Poetry In Motion

Sometimes you have to take time for yourself, right a lot of words on a page, and then be inspired to do homework. So here's a weirdly formatted poem about dreams.


I think it's time to stop thriving, and start dreaming. To look up into the places above and see more than just a ceiling. There comes a time when you may feel hopeless, or alone, but don't let that time be short, because you'll look back and see that time that was wasted is gone. No more, no longer able to explore. A mystery that only you can see yet you choose to ignore. So vividly imagine what awaits is up to you. You have every choice you could imagine to make and are walking in your shoes. Love unconditionally, breath breathlessly, ignite the passionate fury for your dreams and hopes to immerse in the sea of life. Which is more than just a ride. It's a daily  journey that you will be apart of until the day you die. Where you can step inside and freely take a side. Focus on the now, maybe the future, but not so much that you can't enjoy what is before you. In the moment of bliss that turns into something chaotic will soon simmer down into the hopes of the less exotic. Where tragedy takes over and weakens your hunger to devote your time and energy to the things that you want to see. The believability that something will break free. Take hold of your right to ignite a flame of passion in the midst of madness and burn brighter than the darkness. Because it's you that might harness the flame that starts a fire of dreams full of desire. That impact the world and bring a revelation that this life is lived once, there's no reincarnation. Effortlessly give what you're willing to risk, but also realize if you risk it all you could live your life to its fullest.

Blood- Donate It

I've been hearing about the next blood drive at my school, and honestly I've been a little disheartened and even slightly irritated by it. I donated blood for the first time during Thanksgiving break last November 2013. But before that I tried to donate twice and those attempts were unsuccessful. The first time went from being fearless to fearful. It felt like I was being stabbed in the arm and I started crying uncontrollably. Let's just say it was not a "pinch and a burn." and the pain I felt did not feel like I was being stuck with a needle in my vein. I'm pretty sure it was my nerve. It traumatized me, but I decided to try again in September of last year. My iron was too low then, so I luckily didn't have to experience a terrible stabbing. The first successful donation, however, was barely painful and felt amazing. Amazing to have donated, not amazing pain because that does not exist for me.
When I tell part of my testimony, and how my arm started to go numb last April leading to me being in the hospital and having a crazy vision, I've felt a little angered. Angered that this was all from me trying to help people, and the person who tried to help me ended up hurting me. Partially because after talking with nurses, my acupuncturist and chiropractor, we've come to the conclusion that this problem with my arm stiffening stemmed from donating blood, and that's why I probably have a pinched nerve.
However, when I just read an email about donating blood, my heart released a lot of empathy. Even though I went through a lot of pain, I helped three people. In fact, I saved three lives. We tend to overlook that part, partially because it's said so often. A newborn baby, someone battling cancer, or someone who was in a car accident. Not just a random, ordinary, walking down the street smiling and drinking Starbucks kind of life, a quickly vanishing one.
 I think that compared to the pain that those people were going through, mine was and is miniscule. Even though I had to and who knows how long I might have to go through this arm pain, it happened for a reason. I don't know what that reason is in it's entirety, but I do know that the pain I felt is just a glimpse of the amount of pain experienced when you lose someone. Especially when you know they could have been helped. I would love to somehow meet the people who my blood went to. I know that's probably naive because it's done anonymously, but I will know one day because there's more to this life than earth. I never thought directly about that, but now that I think about it it's really cool to imagine who they are and what they look like. Their story. If there was any way to find that out or see how far they've come, that would be incredible.
 Now I don't openly encourage people like I once did to donate blood, but I do stop and think that I may need to reconsider that. I don't know if I'll necessarily be donating anytime soon, but I don't want my story to stop people from wanting to donate. People who are healthy and in the weight regimen to donate choose not to because they are afraid or don't trust people. Or, the saddest part, they just don't care. For some odd reason their life is more important than the lives that are being lost. I guess that makes sense, since we live in a society that tends to focused on your own life and is consumed with fulfilling wants and needs. But that doesn't mean it's right.
People tend to forget what it feels like to be in desperate need for something, partially because they've never been in that situation before. You might say you're afraid of needles. I get it. But the pain and fear combination of sitting for maybe ten minutes is incomparable to the longevity you can give to a person by giving away something you freely have flowing through you. They have less time then you, and they are desperate. Ten minutes of your time is adding on a continuation instead of an elimination of life.  So as a hypothetical math equation, 10 min = 1,000 or more minutes of life. That's amazing. Life is a gift, and it's been given so freely. So if you are able, you are more than capable to face fear and donate a pint of blood to someone who might be facing the worst challenge of their life. What you do does make a difference. Please donate!

 People tend to forget what it feels like to be in desperate need for something, partially because they've never been in that situation before. You might say you're afraid of needles. I get it. But the pain and fear combination of sitting for maybe ten minutes is incomparable to the longevity you can give to a person by giving away something you freely have flowing through you. They have less time then you, and they are desperate. Ten minutes of your time is adding on a continuation instead of an elimination of life.  So as a hypothetical math equation, 10 min = 1,000 or more minutes of life. That's amazing. Life is a gift, and it's been given so freely. So if you are able, you are more than capable to face fear and donate a pint of blood to someone who might be facing the worst challenge of their life. What you do does make a difference. Please donate!

Dreams and Thankfulness

I'm sitting here at my desk in my dorm room at 3:16 am. I'm working on homework and I couldn't ask for anything better. I just like to sit here and be immersed in a field of creativity and brainstorming. I feel like in my room I generate ideas and become so much more productive than I am in class. Where I can think.
I've been thinking about a lot of things I'm thankful for lately, and what I'm dreaming for. I'm thankful for water, intricately decorated ceramic cups, new sketchbook paper, macs, milkshakes, coconut and papaya soap, granola, moms, dreams, family, babies, children wearing sunglasses, frisbee, and sunlight. Pure sunlight. I have so many dreams, dreams that just escalade beyond my wildest imagination. I want to live in the city one day, like Maine or California. To walk down a cobblestone pathway pushing a stroller and laughing in the slight breeze. To have a husband who cherishes me and supports my dreams and runs with me. Who chases after me and accepts me for who I am. Sweet children I can bake for, cook for, clean up, and dance with. Lives that I can instill truth in and teach. Little hands that I can hold and put tiny mittens on. Paintings, murals, stone, vases, and flowers that will flood my home and make it mine. The pitter patter of tiny footsteps down the hall, excited or afraid- always knowing I'll be there. Humor, lots of it and endless jokes. A hilarious husband who loves the beach and takes me on traveling journeys across the world. Who likes the smell of saltwater the the feeling of the wind on your back as the sun beats down across your soft skin.  Who reminds me of who I am when I don't believe in myself. Who reminds me of the father's love. A job that I love, whether it's being a stay at home mom, a work at home mom, a designer, or an illustrator. A church that can impact people and raise hope and faith higher than ever before. Family that lives close by so we can go on dates. Bikes with bells on them that we ride down the street. A safe haven. A window with a view of lights and a seat of cushions. Dreams that never die. Hope that lives on, and a love for life so strong that nothing will ever shake it.

...just some early morning banter, and some processing of how much I love to live and dare to dream. Because I know these things can come true.

P.s. Or maybe I'll move back to NYC, you know, that "concrete jungle where dreams are made of." ;)

Keep Summer

I've been thinking of a lot of methods lately to bring warmth into these cold months. (And it's only August, I shouldn't have to be telling you about this yet!) I hate to break it to ya, but it feels like October. I saw a red leaf already on a green tree today. Yikes! But, there is hope for warmth. Yes, inside, but it's more than just heat. Maybe it's because I'm a lifeguard and there's sand in my veins (mostly from accidental grains of sand swept by the wind into my water jug,) but I love sunshine, warmth, and the tropical aspect of both of those things. So what have I been doing? Well, back in June I decorated some picture frames with seashells and sand. That alone, in my opinion, can bring an instant feeling of warmth into any cold room. It's also a great way to condense all of those seashells you collect from trips on vacation that sit aimlessly in piles. Or a cup. Or strewn about on the floor. So the frames I made are all coming back to college with me on Tuesday, in bubble wrap and despite my father's attempt to squish everything into our Toyota Camry.  They will survive.I also just opened up a Papaya Coconut soap ( perfection!) which is so rich and inviting, leaving a pure aroma of the beach on your skin. For the hair I've become accustomed to Brazilian Keratin Hair Therapy shampoo and conditioner that are awaiting their use in my shower caddy. A final, and the easiest way to bring some warmth into your life for these cold spells is Jesus. Simply put, let him come and seep into your heart, warm you mind with positive thoughts and penetrate your soul for something deeper. Oh, and don't cut your hair. Let it get beachy. Mine is only doing that because I won't splurge to get a haircut (I'm actually just stubborn and refuse to let someone other than my friend who now lives in Alabama cut my hair.) And eat chocolate, because that is a nonseasonal treat, so enjoy it as you gaze at your seashell frames across the wall.
Maybe I just have summer fever?
Well it's never leaving, so I hope you indulge on the shortness of the season and let it last much longer in decorations and beauty products.
I hope my tips were a little helpful!

About 14 years ago when my sister (left) was 5 and I (right) was 7. Duces.

My car ride home from college in May 2014

Poetic Beauty

Tuesday I saved a little girl's life. Yesterday I sun bathed in the beckoning sun while no one attended the beach, and today I was saved from being impaled by a strong and stationary (or so I thought) lifeguarding chair while illustrating. This week, and especially these past few days have been pretty incredible. Quiet, simple, and restful.  To say the least, Pennsylvania has been getting the best of me. Now that's something I never thought I'd say before I went to college in the big apple, and something I think about more often than not now that I'm home for summer break. Keep Pennsylvania Beautiful. Those signs all over the high ways and disheveled twisty roads? Yeah, they make their mark. Pennsylvania truly is beautiful. I can stare at the wispy clouds for hours, and I usually do since I lifeguard on the open waterfront of the beach in my community that's full of caring and quiet retired folk and families who arrive on the weekends to catch the sun's rays, watching their children squeal in the cool and earthy lake. The only litter I find is a sand filled cap of a Corona light or a cigarette butt (possibly some dinosaurs, the plastic kind)-two things I don't necessarily enjoy but it's better than piles of McDonald's trash and old items I can't recognize smelling of smog, death and pooled in a murky puddle. I can sing in the quiet as the notes lilt upon the breeze and make their home in the ever-growing pine trees. Pine needles. Fresh breaths of air that are quickly captured by the radiating sun that shines on the birds chirping high above the trees. A black bear eating my neighbor's suet feeder and trying to pole vault with the feeder's stand. Sand castles arrayed upon the soft ground as two children cackle and throw a squishy blue ball across the beach, creating a game they don't even know the rules for. Splashing into a lake that is full of freshwater and free of oil and harmful chemicals. Health. Diving, spinning, sinking, stroking, breathing. Swimming is my safe haven. The one activity where I glide effortlessly across an open body of water without feeling any pain in my body other than my lungs gasping for air momentarily. My life has felt like a poem lately, so I want to reciprocate that to you. To let you know that there is more than any struggle you are facing. Stop what your doing, take a moment, look around you, and see the endless beauty in this world that was created in six days. These things we take for granted have been spoken into utter existence in a sentence.  Appreciate these moments. There will never be a moment like it again.  No matter what the scenery is- city lights, country fields, raging storms- there is always a beautiful sky that you can get lost in, letting it engulf you and remind you of the endless beauty there is in the stillness.
Dream.
Delight.
Rest.
Hope.
Enjoy.
Breathe.
Laugh.
Pray.
Be.

My hope for you is that you can take the time to notice the little things that make up this great big world and create an even bigger and brighter difference than if you hadn't noticed them at all. That there is life, and beyond your greatest moment, there is an even greater life.

Dogs, Trust, and Grace

Lately I've been dog sitting. This is the fifth day out of seven, and it can get a little messy. Two pooches- a black lab/Australian shepherd mix, and some kind of terrier. It starts with a W, and that's all I've got. Let's just have a little dog discussion quickly if you aren't already aware of these two breeds. They are polar opposites. Labs lick people, have high speed energy, wake up early, are man handled into cages, eat all of the food, jump on people, jump in lakes repeatedly, fetch, and never.get.tired. Terriers sleep late, enjoy smells, lay next to you and apparently like macbooks, enjoy quiet, and eat slowly. Terriers are like me. Labs are not like me. Terriers and labs cofunction as instigators who aspire to make me yell.  Tucker and Nia. They're lovely when you sit down and write a blog post, like now, but they're full of exuberant energy and think I'm an impenetrable human chew toy whenever I first wake them up in the morning, stand up, throw a ball, or eat my own cookie.

 They firmly belief in the movie Yours, Mine, and Ours, yet in the sense of a two year old's perspective, so "mine." I feed them, and then I go to eat and they think it's time to eat again. I call it a cookie when they want a treat, yet open my package of cookies when I want a treat, and they think it's automatically for them. They make me think of what it will be like to have kids one day. And I become completely terrified. And maybe that's a good thing since they bite. Not, kids, dogs. Actually that's debatable. 

 A blessing is a burden. The downside of them is that they can't communicate with me, however, the plus side is that I can tell them what to do. So I am the dog trainer, communicator, food service representative, and authoritative green bean (I'm skinny.) They also can't read my blogposts, which is another blessing. For as smart as people say dogs are, you would think that they could read. Maybe they can. They can't speak to us in English, so I guess we would never know.

 Nia, the eldest and the terrier with the most well-behaved temperament is a cuddle bug.  He behaves, that is, until Tucker, the massive pup starts jumping and gnawing on my hands, and thinks I'm playing when I scold him or try to push him off. When that happens, Nia joins in, except he's short, so he jumps up and latches on to me, so I feel like I'm being bitten. 

All of these complaints I'm making on the negative aspects of dog sitting are good representations of distractions of this world. They make us angry, festering on little things. But when we stop, when we fix our eyes on the beauty and inspiration all around us, on the quiet, candescent moments, we begin to realize how much God is holding the world in his hands. He never falters, he never fails, he doesn't bite. He doesn't try to take your cookie. He loves you, he cuddles with you, and restores you with a peace that passes all understanding. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Delight with him in all your ways and he will make your paths straight."

I promise you that there are good things about these dogs. Tucker shows his affection by licking your face eagerly, the only time it gets bad is if you just so happen to be singing a song when he does this, and then his head wacks your tooth. He also has the agility and speed to chase a ball in my neighbors giant back yard, and it reminds me of joy. Him and Nia sit on command. Usually it's with a "cookie," but at least they sit. Nia folds himself gently under your legs when you're only the couch. He gets warm and so do I. Free heater. Tucker wakes up at 6:30am with a few barks, the perfect reminder when I forgot to set my alarm clock the first day. 

 It's kind of crazy how God gives us relentless grace in the midst of our complaints and anger. And through that, we're reminded of what it is to truly trust him. The dogs are trusting me, so I can trust an even bigger God who puts up with my mistakes and gives me the responsibility of doing just that but with grace. Lord, give me more grace for these pups.

This is Rigby, another puppy of my life not aforementioned 

Creativity

I've been working on a painting lately, and thus I've been thinking about all things artistic. And then analogies. Oh how I love the analogies! Ever since I actually learned that term in AP US History in eleventh grade in high school, I've never stopped using it on a day to day basis. Analogies just paint vivid pictures for me in my imagination.
 Whenever I start a painting, I feel completely disorganized and out of sorts. I sketch my piece, see where the pencil marks are,  see how ugly they look, check my proportions, see how incorrect they are, erase, repeat. And I do that a few more times until it's absolutely perfect. Then I look at the whole picture of what I'm painting, and try to piece it apart in my mind, stripping away all of the layers to see  where the colors truly began. To see the simplicity. Then my mind continues to avidly think about that while my hands decide to dance across the canvas to the flow of the music I'm playing, emersed in colors that aren't even part of the picture. Then I realize how I've lost sight of what I'm actually doing. Whenever I'm in my creative zone (which is 99% of the time,) I always feel a constant battle. The battle between focus and being lead astray, I literally see that as my mind is focused on how to piece colors, proportions, perspective, and design together, while my hands seem to have a mind of their own- and it's not just since my right arm started going numb and I've been using both hands, it's actually something I've been wrestling with my entire life.
So I ask myself, " why can't I just focus, why am I losing sight of the simplicity, and making it harder for myself?" Then I hear the word "distraction."
 Distraction consumes lives and a lot of times causes us to forget how simple things can be if we just focus on what's important. What's simple.
Our brains were designed by a God who puts so much focus, time and energy into us. He creatively placed each and every brain cell in your brain for a purpose. And don't try to sit here and think of all the ways you aren't creative. You are creative. Except it. It doesn't mean you have to paint or make you tube videos. There's more to life and creativity than the obvious subjects of this noun. A lot of times, being creative can be as simple as just thinking of how to get to higher thinking. To stop thinking of this world and focusing on Jesus instead. So instead of focusing on a distraction like, "what am I not creative," think of all the reasons you are creative! You can't bash the creativity when you were CREATED by a creative God. Look at that, three "creatives" in a sentence. I'm sure you are thinking about a better way that could be said. That's creativity too. The creative gene has already been planted inside of you, inside your brain, and inside your heart. The only thing that keeps us from doing what we're called to do is distraction. But when we fix our eyes on the truth, that we were made for a purpose, that we were created by a creative God, the distractions won't weaken us so much. Since our eyes are fixed on God, he can piece together our lives, and before we know it, it'll all come together. Most of the time it's even better than we could imagine. It's creative.

A sneak peak of my current painting I'm working on for my cousin!

The Aroma of Love

Today I've been super focused on warming my heart. I woke up to a rainy day, a bit chilly, out of sorts, and exhausted. As the day progressed, the outside temperature became cooler as well as my body temperature. It wasn't until I made a piping hot mug of Lemon Ginseng tea that I took a moment to just stop, breathe in the warmth, and think. Ponder. Become thankful. I sat clenching my mug to my chest in the most elegant way a person can while they're freezing cold, and just sat in the quiet and let the light, lemony aroma seep into my tired and cold heart.
I've noticed that my heart tends to be cold here in Pennsylvania. Not cold-hearted- I've always loved people-but cold as in restricted. Desolated. But as I sit and am aware of how I'm feeling, I'm quickly reminded of how warm God's heart is for me, for us. Today I opened up my bible app on my Ipod and quickly read this verse of the day:

 Philippians 1:9-11 "I pray that your love will keep on growing and that you will fully know and understand how to make the right choices. Then you will still be pure and innocent when Christ returns. And until that day, Jesus will keep you busy doing good deeds that bring glory and praise to God."

I don't know about you, but this verse makes me really want to love people, and love starts with the heart. I'm realizing that if my heart is cold and desolated, I can only love on people and be able to show them love if I first remind myself of how God first loved me, and that is truly what warms the heart. Who knows, that aroma might even smell like lemons to you.

Or Rice.

Watermelon, Books, and Seashells

Lately I've been really into nutrition, reading, and art (obviously.) . Not only have I been annoying my lovely mother since I'm home for the summer, but I got her to let me juice a watermelon. A watermelon! Well, "my portion" of a watermelon, so a green plastic bowl's worth, aka a serving size. Watermelon is delicious, but I'm not too much of a fan of eating it before a workout, nor am I happy about getting drenched it. As crazy as it sounds, for an art student, I actually prefer not getting my hands messy.  So I thought of a better plan.
Did you know you could drink watermelon juice?? I was reading in Fitness magazine that watermelon juice contains a large amount  l-citrulline, which is shown to help muscles heal quicker after a workout. Since this appealed to me so much. I threw my portion of watermelon in the blender, pureed it, and it's now happily sitting in my fridge, where I take it out each morning and enjoy a refreshing glass. To test it out I did a small ab workout, and I wasn't sore the next day, so it works!

P.S. Recognize the towel?

    Not only did I juice yesterday, but I read. A lot. I was so bored that I read three different books, and I'm pretty sure that was all I did. Oh wait, I also did laundry, ate an eggless cookie, and sang songs from the Lion King and some other Disney movies with my darling sister. You could have seen an opera show for free! You probably also would have come out barley being about to hear. Just kidding, we're good singers!
Anyways, the first book I read I don't remember the title, but I do remember that it was really good. Joel Olsteen wrote it, and one of the stories was about how his mom overcame liver cancer when she was told she only had two weeks to live. So miraculous! The second book I finished up was Spoken For by Robin Jones Gunn and Alyssa Joy Bethke. Talk about delightful. I really recommend reading it, because it doesn't just remind you of who you are ,but also who God says you are. To be reminded that you are his bride, no matter what age and no matter whether you are married or not. It came out in April, and is online at amazon.com in Kindle version (that's what I read!) and paperback, so check it out, you won't be disappointed! I'm also finishing up The Moon and More, by Sarah Dessen. Whenever I read her books I think of summer, probably because I'm pretty sure every one of her books take place in the summer and are romances-two of my favorite things. This book is also probably why everything I've been doing is replicating the beach.
I've had a lot of seashells that used to sit displayed on an sea-themed tray on top of my dresser, seashells scattered around the tray and in bowls, adding a decor of an endless ocean and sandy beach. Well now that I'm realizing how much more I hate winter in NYC since it's much more frigid and the snow piles up higher than Pratt's security gates, I've realized how much I've missed and appreciate summer. So, I've been pinteresting, scheming, and designing ways I can effectively use my seashells, change up my room, preserve, and utilize them while also downsizing. I've realized how filled my room has become since I've gotten back from college, and have been a tad bit paralyzed by the large quantities of boxes, clothing, and limited space. So, I've created designs on many of my boring picture frames using shells, sand, and marble stones. I've also filled up a jar with shells, water and a tea light (thank you pinterest.)Today I decided to paint and seashell a giant jewelry box, and create a board that I already had some collected Dove chocolate wrappers glued onto, which I added seashells to and painted a pale yellow. It turned out looking like the floor of Katie's house in Safe Haven, which I love, so I love it! I hope you enjoy what I've been up to lately, and that you choose to keep healthy and craft as well!

Realizing the Beauty

So today was full of sunshine, bubbles, snacks, and drawing. It was beautiful out, I got to babysit two of the sweetest kids in my community, wore my new lifeguard swim top, pet the sweetest old dog, got a glimpse of how mom's feel like while babysitting a seven and nine year old, ate carrots, babysat 2 amazing but exhausting children for the third time in a row this week, learned about trains and cars from Dylan (7) didn't get convinced by Rayvin (9) that Daisy (the sweetest old dog) didn't want to eat her dog food and should instead eat carrots instead because Daisy doesn't like Beneful since it's bad for her and wants Iams-Oh, child- which caused me to go into a semi-lengthy discussion about harmful ingredients in food (thank you senior project in high school), ate delicious spaghetti because my mom is awesome, and drew a picture at the lake after getting very angry and then simmering down to experience true peace and grace. Sometimes on days like these, when I have to be somewhere at 2:30pm (which is this entire week) and don't get ready and motivated until eleven or noon, I do relaxing things but feel useless. I let anger take over, distraction, and start to become consumed by myself instead of letting myself become consumed with God. I didn't really realize this until I got so angry after dinner that I stormed down to the lake with my sketchbook. Yes, I began to angrily draw the dock (yay, it's out and I'll begin life guarding in t-minus two weeks!!) and grumble about how stupid and boring and mundane everything is here in PA, but it wasn't until I sat down drawing for at least half an hour that I felt the true peace of God. I looked down at my paper- black ink, countless pen strokes, monotony- and looked back at the water which was still, timeless, and peaceful. I then realized that in the midst of my crazy busy life, God is always there, he's always peaceful, and no craziness can disturb his beauty and peace. And now, sitting here, I'm reminded of the sunshine and goodness he always brings to me, whether it's in fashion, painting my nails, or sunbathing, there is so much more than the things I can see at the moment. There is b e a u t y.

A picture package of how I began to beautify in the beauty of outdoors!

Post Freshman Year at Pratt: A Chapter of Plans and Crazy Blessings

My life has been a little crazy lately, but it's a good crazy! The crazy that makes you feel like flying. The crazy that makes you feel like so much is going on around you yet there is still so much hope and belief for God's very plan for you.Plans. Let's make a list about my plans since Tuesday, May 13th when I moved out of my dorm for the summer because lists are fun and more organized than this paragraph.
1.Packing the car to come back from college
2.Unpacking the boxes in the car to put everything in my house
3.Unpacking the boxes in my house to fill my room with the environment I've been so used to living in for the past year.
4. Getting crafty with sentimental things like seashells and gluing them to delicate picture frames that hold so many memories
5. Sorting through a massive box of family photos from my childhood, being reminded of so many memories, and so much I've learned from my brother and sister
6. Appointments-accupuncture, dentist, tooth being pulled tomorrow.
7. Meetings with bosses planning my schedule for the summer.
8. Feeling like a potato. (Sorry, I'm just hungry)
9. Lifeguard recertification studying that I haven't started although it's May 30th. (I still have 8 days, so..... 182 hours, wow that took way too long, well I have been at Pratt, there's no math classes, bro.
10. Planning baby sitting for the first week in June- aka getting paid to eat snacks, pet a dog, and hang out with the coolest 9 and 7 year old I know.
11. Relaxing
If God's taught me one thing for my freshman year at Pratt, it's to relax. And lately, even though I have so many plans and things I have to do, right now I'm taking a necessary yet stationary vacation. I worked my butt of at Pratt, learned so many new concepts about art, dealt with so many kinds of people- good and bad- ate new food, ate bad food, found a home church away from home, JHOP, (woowoo!) experienced what real mediterranean food tastes like, completed my first ever internship, was sick for four weeks, God never left my side, was in the hospital 2 consecutive days in a row (8 hours each day,) experience my first cat scan (there was no meowing,) laughed A LOT, cried A LOT, had my first ultrasound on my arm (I always thought my first ultrasound would be on my stomach when I'm married and have my first set of twins-yeah, I'm pretty specific with my future, and also maybe kidding about the twins,) road in the first wheelchair that could fit three of me, had people throw things at me, threw things at people, experience the first mouse that crawled all over my things in my room, realized how much I hate mice, ran a marathon on January 12th, experienced true grace through EVERYTHING. Man, I should have made another list. Tangent. I also learned how to learn that word from Hall council. OH YES, I joined hall council, joined a sorority (Theta Phi Alpha), learned to draw with my left hand, learned to play frisbee with my left hand, became an RA.
So many things have happened in my life this first year at Pratt, and I've realized how much coming out of my comfort zone did for me. Leaving home was probably the hardest step for me, but once I got into the flow of Pratt, everything fell into place. God's timing is always so right and perfect. And his plans for your future are even greater than anything you could possibly imagine. This past week, I've been clinging to this verse in Proverbs 16:1"We humans make plans, but the Lord has the final word." I've realized all of the plans I've made throughout my life, my senior year especially; what college, what housing situation, what roommate, how, when why what-everything.
 I literally was doing everything I could to follow my dream of going to art school, of going to Pratt, that I became so confused and stricken by fear. Fear of the future, of if my potential was good enough, basing myself off of what people thought I could do, where they envisioned me instead of where God envisioned me to be and his plans for me. I kept questioning if what I was doing was where God wanted me to be because of the struggles I had to face to get to where I am today. But now that I took that step out of my comfort zone and stepped out on the waters where God has called me-despite what people said to me-giving God my dreams and allowing him to give them wings-I've realized how much God blesses those who entrust him with everything they have. I'm seeing so much blessing in one year, and reminding myself when I don't know where his plan is that  if he can bless so much in a year, imagine what he can do in a lifetime! I'm still learning, don't get me wrong, but being away from home, in a dazzling city of  New York, completely apart from PA, being in a college environment with people who truly understand who I am, putting myself out there for people, telling people my story, encouraging, being in a hospital with a crazy situation for the first time ever, truly being independent- all of these things, despite their differences, imperfections and risks, they all lead to one thing. They lead to knowing that there is so much comfort and blessing in relying on God's plan. That trusting him and leaning into him is worth it, and creates a plan within itself that is greater and crazier than you could  ever imagine, but it is completely worth it.

From Starfish to Pennies

Sometimes it's really hard. Hard to keep pushing forward and swimming in the ocean of a world when you feel like a mountain is sitting directly in front of you, rooted to the painful bind of a seaweed forest that cannot be moved. But then you see something greater in this madness-when it's quiet and no one is around, you can almost hear the lilting rush of  a quiet wind that reminds you of the very hope in the midst of what you are going through.  That your heart, prior to your present, used to be filled with a sensitivity and delicacy so deep  that it crushed you. Yet made you who you are today-brave, courageous, changing. Like pennies. Changing, always changing, yet being the change you wish to see in the world. Once that is manifested within you, you cannot and will not be moved. You will stand stronger than any mountain because you are full of strength, like a penny, that has been through so much, yet when dipped in the salty waters of the cool ocean, it shines with a beauty like never before.

And be changed. No pun intended.

Hope in the Hopelessness- Miracles Amok

Since so many are asking how I am/why I was in the hospital, here is a humorous version (because everything is so much funnier after you don't have scares from doctors that something is seriously wrong with you anymore,) of why I've been in the hospital/results/oh the antibiotics! So sit back, grab a snack (actually, depending on your tolerance to pain you might not want to do that-but if you do choose to have a snack while reading, don't say I didn't warn you!) and enjoy the calm yet humorous way God is able to and does give you hope and peace during and after the storm.
This past week and a half has been rough, but I'm going to be fine, so don't fret lovelies! I've been in an out of the hospital twice, 8 hours each time during yesterday and Monday, been stuck with two ivs and didn't even cry; (huge accomplishment for me since I had only been to the hospital once, no not when I was born, I was born at home, but that was a good guess! It was when I got a puncture wound and needed one stitch. I'll tell you that story if you ask me about it. It involves trees and who doesn't love trees?) experienced my first ever crazy-test filled-needley-queasy hospital visit in a different state when my parents were 2.5 hours away, been alarmed by doctors, waited for results longer than needed only because the hospital peeps either A: Forgot about me B: Thought it was fun to deprive me of food when I hadn't eaten all day and just wanted a hoagie or C: Made me deal with some heavily opinionated doctors (that's a stretch for being nice, so here I am, stretching,) placed in the pediatric section of the children's ER (ok, I know I'm 19, not 21, but why would you put me in a place full of screaming babies when I have to be there for eight hours with a needle in my arm that makes me feel like my head will explode?) Let's just change those choices to "ands" instead of "ors" because they all happened and there are many more hilarious things I could tell you about like taking a ride in a wheelchair with a nurse who kept telling me about roller coasters and TLC. And he looked like my grandpa- even better. Bless his soul.
Now don't get me wrong, I am forever thankful for doctors. God put them on the earth for a reason and to help stand in the gap between health and sickness. (Thank you God, cause you are the divine doctor.)But when the doctors see something's wrong and do tests that come back POSITIVE and NOTHING is there..wel that is just amazing, and beyond anything the doctors did/could do. And it isn't just "coincidence" that when my family and friends asked for people to pray that all of my test results came back clean. Nothing, nada, ok, I don't know any more foreign words for nothing. Let's make some up: naga, nacapeesh, ok I'm done. BUT that shows how much POWER there is in numbers. That when two or more are gathered there God also will be. If two or more ask it will be done by the father of heaven (zee Bible, google that line to find the actual verse, cause I'm a little busy right now.) Even though it has been really hard and I'm still in a lot of pain (my right dominant arm/hand is numb/burns/has no feeling/I can't use it, so they gave me an antibiotic, which makes me feel sick,) during all of this, I've realized that trusting in God and knowing he is in control of everything brings so much peace, even in the waiting and unknowing. There was never a point in my situation where I didn't have peace. Yeah, it was hard, the pain is, well, painful, but his promise and that very knowing that he can and will heal you is a more secure result than any that a doctor can give to you. When you cling to him desperately, entering into that place where your heart is fully engulfed in his presence and love for you, nothing, nothing, naga can steal your joy. Your peace. Your hope. And even when you're in a state of hopelessness, like I had been with my arm not working and pain throughout my body, God still gives hope. How crazy is that? I have been able to draw with my left hand since Thursday, and it's successful. I'm not trying to brag or draw attention to myself in any self-righteous way. I'm saying these things because you need to realize what a miraculous, hopeful, and incredible God there is, and he created you. YOU. And you too with the cool afro. Your afro is awesome, embrace it. You love puppies so much you almost feel like you're petting a puppy when you touch your best friend's awesome, patchouli smelling ponytail? That's a little creepier. You always sing at college and when you're walking everywhere? Ok, maybe you should just drop out and be on American Idol, become a hippie and travel the world with your guitar, touch lives, be nomadic. I mean come on already.  Someone said you can do anything you put your mind too? You have a mind, stick that on your dream Really though, don't drop out of college, school is cool, those words rhyme, and art school's artsy. The American Idol thing/hippie/travelpower thing is super awesome, so be my guest if it's for you!) All of those questions were not for specific people, most of them are actually about myself. Ok, all of them. Well, I don't have an afro but they're super fun to look at. But my point is that you should never do something because it's "socially acceptable" or "the social norm." God places dreams and desires in each of our hearts, and when you tell him those dreams, and sink into his arms of grace and love-no matter how much you are weeping, how much pain you are in, or how torn you are for what you should do next year- God blesses you completely when you follow him fully. He creates life change and awakens hearts. Yeah, a blessing is a burden, but I would rather be in this place of my life where I see other people's pain because I can relate to and love on people unconditionally then to live in ignorance of others' problems. There is so much more to life when you have empathy for people. When you have the chance to remind them they aren't alone and build people up with encouragement, that brings life. Not only to you, but to the weary hearted, the soul that needs saving. And believe me, you become so blessed from that. Not just because people become understanding and super sensitive/understanding around you and your situation, but because you get the opportunity to impact people, and there is no greater joy than that. Having hope and restoring it to the hopelessness.  That is powerful. Even though it's really hard, you're super emotional, don't feel well, or have ailments, God will restore the seconds, minutes, days, weeks and even years that the locust has eaten. He's doing that in my life right now, and he does give you the courage and bravery to have hope in the midst of any kind of strife; there is nothing better than that, in fact, that's what truly brings life.


If you ever need to talk about ANYTHING, I'm always here, just a click, key stroke, paint brush stroke, laugh, footstep...okay I think you get it.

Believe, Beloved

I just feel like God wants to restore all things that are lost; healing, feeling, vision, love, hope, care, faith. The enemy is trying to take those things away from us and we have the authority to cast those things out. In the name of Jesus we can declare that God is in charge, he's in control, the divine healer, and is wiping away EVERY pain we feel right now. He is taking them to the bottom of the ocean floor and filling us with a peace, a hope, a joy, HEALTH, favor, blessing, love, understanding, courage, and a mighty shield of faith. Don't give up no matter where you are, don't lose sight of your hopes and dreams because he knows them. He knows you. You, and he's holding you in the midst of everything you're going through. He's never going to let you go, he'll never give up on you. No matter what's going on and no matter how hard it gets, don't think that he has let you go. BELIEVE in a cure, in a hope, in a future. In fact, speak it over yourself, say, "I believe in MY cure, MY hope, MY future. " You are not alone, and he will never leave you or forsake you. He loves you unconditionally and wants you to believe and dream with him as he shows the plans he has for you, to PROSPER you, not to harm you. TO GIVE YOU A HOPE and A FUTURE(Jeremiah 29:11.)

Please Pray For His Favor

After SOOO much prophesying at my church, JHOP, here in NYC yesterday, God is just continuing to mold my heart anew. He's cleansing me and purifying me for what's to come next, and after praying and seeking him about the 3 weeks of missions training this summer, he's telling me I need to go. To sign up for the early bird special I need $1,175 by May 5th. If I don't sign up for the early amount, it will be $1300. This total amount includes three meals, living expenses, and the tuition for the training. Please pray with me as I pray that God will completely bless this dream in my heart, he will use me, and that he will PROVIDE COMPLETELY for me financially, spiritually, and emotionally to go to this missions training. It just so Happens that it's July 13-August 2nd this summer, just before I need to go back to Pratt for RA training (another dream he's brought into fruition). This program is going to prepare me so much to be on fire for Jesus and bring that back to Pratt next year. Also pray for my lifeguarding bosses to allow me to still work this summer and end even earlier than they thought I'd be ending. I know my future is in God's hands, I know this is the summer I was supposed to be working a lot to save money for an apartment for the future, but I also know that even when I think I have it all figured out, God knows where I'll be five years from now- he knows every step backwards and forewords, and he has my complete future in the palm of his hands. He holds me and is providing for me and I don't have to worry about anything, because my security is in Christ.

Washed Away

This morning I awoke in tears, wondering what was wrong, and then realizing that the fear I've been holding onto for so long, the fear of my heart breaking, has been taking up such a huge space in my own heart. My entire life I've wrestled with the fear of giving my heart away because of the way my parents marriage is, because of the hurt they've felt; the pain, the fear, the brokenness it's led to. I've realized I've given God my hopes and dreams, but I've never actually given him my full heart for that. Instead of guarding my heart, I've put my heart in a prison cell, and thrown away the key. Little did I know that even though I didn't know where that key was, God did. While washing my face he reminded me of his true love, the love he wants me to experience one day, and that I don't need to be afraid anymore.  I need to trust, and realize that he can take all of my shame, my weakness, and my pain, and wash it away to the ocean floor. So through this word he also put a song in my heart that I've begun to write. Here is the first and only part:

You heal more than the temporary
Even when my soul is wary
The throbbing heart of a needy life
There is peace in my strife

In your faithfulness I am found

You heal my broken heart
When life seems too hard
I cry and your love pours down
Down my face into a river of grace
Your strong hands lift  my heavy face and remind me

The space I've put between us
The walls dividing, they have become no more
Cause I am sure
They're washed away at the ocean floor
And your love is forevermore.

HE IS FAITHFUL

HOLY MOLY I AM IN SUCH AWE, INSPIRATION, AND BLESSINGNESS RIGHT NOW. Praise God for blessings and opportunities!! I just received a message from my friend Stephanie from YWAM (youth with a mission), a missions organization with campuses located in  areas all over the world, about this missions opportunity to learn and grow in your talents and gifts and then be prepared to go out and change your cities for 3 weeks in California this summer (july 13th-august 2nd). I just feel SO CALLED to do this and just so much more answering to my prayers lately about things I'm asking for from God to do and use in my life. HE HAS BEEN USING ME SO MUCH. It's $1175 if I sign up by May 5th, so please send the word out and pray for me as I continue to meditate on this and go where God is calling me to go. I've been praying lately for God to open doors for me and to use me in whatever way he chooses to create life change and spread Jesus, and he just keeps blessing me SO MUCH. How amazing is it that when you put your life fully in his hands, no matter what happens to you, the enemy can not steal that joy and the Lord BLESSES you because of your faithfulness and becomes faithful for that?? I am so thankful and just want to praise God with all of my life!!! Continue to pray with me, donate to this trip, and pray for YWAM, because they are on my heart so often lately, and God is really using them to create life change and impact college campuses. If you have any questions, feel free to ask AND SHARE WITH anyone who you think would be interested in this!!

Have a lovely amazing day!!

So Much Favor and Grace in the Midst of Hopelessness

Today I was at my amazing college library, here at Pratt, and just totally in awe. I love going there for inspiration. The architecture inspires me, not only of the building itself, but most especially the book shelves. The floors of each level are made of glass, the shelves are an old, rustic, dated yet fashionable wiry structure, and I find so much inspiration in the entire entity of books and glass. Let's just say I really love being in a giant, quiet building, breathing in the silence. Although I love NY SOOOO much- the noise, the bustle, the people- it's nice to get away and escape from the noise for a mere amount of valuable time. A niceness that allows you to think and be in a complete stillness, almost as if the world stops. 
So, let's actually get to the point of me writing this post, because I can talk about the beauty of Pratt for days. While I sat on my laptop( I didn't actually sit on it, I sat on a chair, surfing the web on my laptop. I also was not on a surf board), I just felt the Lord whisper in my ear the truth I knew about my heart, how I was feeling today, and his peace that can captivate anything going on- no matter how big or small- and what he was trying to show me due to my extreme dehydration today and the illness I felt from it:


Lord, you know the heart of a weary soul that feels like there is no end to this pain. The nail after nail of hopelessness rips through the flesh of a sovereign heart that lies desperately waiting for release, the kind that fills a soul from the bottom up and reminds it that there is such a thing as peace. The kind of peace that comes like a mighty river after a dry and desolate season of despair. I just feel so much love and understanding for those who are weak and hurting, especially who have been sick- now or for such a long while. No matter where you are in life, no matter what you're going through, remember that there is still hope. No matter what's happened to you or what will happen to you, everything happens for a reason, and God can use any situation in your life to impact people and create life change. He can give you hope in the hopelessness.

Restorer of Hope

        Yesterday was the beginning of something greater that will be happening for the rest of my life.
It was just a normal Sunday, as I walked to church at JHOP feeling worn and even a little sad; maybe because of the rain, but later I realized it was because of hopelessness. The service started and worship was incredible, Jesus was there, a team from Bethel church came and prophesied over people's lives, and YWAM came as well. They changed my life, and it will be forever changed from this point on.
         Before worship started I thought I saw Jon Foreman. Turns out it was James Barkman-close enough. He was part of the YWAM team as well as Preston Groff, Stephanie Mensah, and Faith Kinzer; these people are thee most amazing young missionaries I have ever met, who bring such a creative, powerful, and genuine presence of Jesus. They were so kind and Preston and James are from my crib, PA! PA representttttt!
        So after worship my friend Sandy and I introduced ourselves to Preston, Faith, and Stephanie. Then I went to go get a bagel, and ran into James, and introduced myself to him. They're all so nice! Follow them on twitter or Facebook or Instagram.  Or on each of those supafly social media websites. All of them! Do It. Sorry, that was not Jesus-like. Please do it.
        So I went to get my bagel, talked to my friend Danny White about the ghetto and came back happier than before. Probably because I was holding a bagel. Then the team of 5 people from Bethel came up to the front and started prophesying over people. Talk about life change-in fact, mine changed when they prophesied over my life.
       So this one guy named Ben asks, "Is there anyone in the room who feels like they never get prophesied over?" Lisa and my hand both shot up. Her's a lot more quickly than mine. Then he goes, "ok, stand up." Now I was like, "what the heck am I doing, this is so weird, ahhh. *sigh*." Then I look at Sandy awkwardly and she's like, "do ittt." So I stand up.
Then Ben goes, " I believe that God is going to use you to prophesy over people, and already has. And when you run out of people to prophesy over, you're going to prophesy over yourself. I mean, I was just like you guys, and now look at how God's using me!"
         This was so weird because literally minutes before worship ended, I felt a complete peace from our sweet Lord, telling me "You are going to change the word, I'm here, and you are healed."
WHATTTT? Talk about Jesus, he's my boy.
         Then a little later, as the prophesying continued, another guy from the team grabs the mic and tells Lisa and myself, "and just the fact that you stood up is showing that you are real women of God who he'll use to prophesy over people." HOLY MOLY. Like I knew God was great, but this was a whole knew level of greatness. He's the Greatness King. I have been praying for God to prophesy over my life, and look at how faithful he is? Let's just take a moment to let that sink in, HE IS FAITHFUL.


MMM.

         After that, the lead lady who looks like Stephany Frizzle and and forget her name prophesied. Let's call her Stephany. So Stephany says, "is there anyone here who has been feeling hopelessness or hopelessness around them from other people?" Almost everyone raised their hand, including me and she asked everyone to stand as her team went around and laid hands on people. As she's praying she says, " And I feel like there's a hopelessness from a father, abandonment in some area of your life that has caused so much hopelessness in you." BOOM. That was FOR ME. So much stuff has gone on between me my dad, and although it has just recently been normal, and forgiven, it still hurts. The whole story is for a different day, so let's continue with this one.
        As soon as she said those words for me, the tears that were welling up in my eyes came rushing down like a waterfall. There was so my pain and hopelessness in my heart that I never knew was still there. Stephany then says, "the hopelessness is now gone, and I release hope over you." I felt it come upon me, and I stopped shaking with sobbing cries of the hopeless heart. Then good ole Pastor Bill of course interjected after she finished praying and I grabbed all the tissues in the world in front of me and turned around to go back to my seat and compose myself. Sandy, my dear sweet sister Sandy rubbed my back as I lay my head on her shoulder. God is so good. Ok, let's take another moment to take that in. HE IS GOOD.



        So I had to bounce at 1:15, after prophesying over Sandy, (forgetting my awesome possum markers I was using in my sketchbook) cause that was when we were to do so to all who had their own businesses. While leaving I waved by to Preston, who said bye, but James was all busy in the prophesying flow, so I didn't want to intervene. So I get into the elevator and journey back home to my sisterhood event for my sorority.
On the subway ride home, I felt soooo much peace and Jesus glory. Ahhh I just dreamt of Jesus and his presence flooded my life.

       The Sisterhood event was full of such goodness that went with the whole prophesying theme of yesterday. We encouraged each other the entire time, and it was such a loving gathering. I then went back to my dorm and went on Facebook, friend requesting the YWAM team whom I felt such a connection with. Turns out they were at Pratt Institute over my spring break when I was home in PA and they did campus ministry and prayed over people! I found this out when I saw Preston's photo on facebook, and I'm all like, "is that my library he's standing in?" AND IT WAS. They were at Pratt, they spoke with people I KNOW, especially my little, Jessica Li (LOVE HER SWEET SOUL) and spoke about revival and salvation. BOOM 2. **I have been praying for revival and salvation since I started school here in August. God is answering my prayers and HE IS FAITHFUL AND GOOD!!!

      Thank you YWAM so much for your impact on my life! I have felt an immense amount of peace and hope ever since yesterday, and I just realized this morning that it's the fire of God burning so much brighter in me than ever before. There is life change happening at Pratt and in NY. From that moment yesterday until the day I die, I know that God is not finished with me yet and there is SO MUCH FRUIT TO COMEEE. (the edible kind too.)

Never doubt the power of God, because he WILL bless and use you when you follow him.

How has God shown you he's faithful?

Until We Meet Again,When I've Consumed Large Quantities of Coffee

Why am I awake at 4:30am? (technically 3:30, because of this weird thing called Daylights Saving) Because I go to college, and people are loud, and I just distinctively heard my dear friend's voice down the hallway when he doesn't even live on my floor, and was awoken by his lovely voice. Oh, and because I desperately want to go to the gym at 6:30am because I am so pumped and awake, and to get a "kick start" on my CRAZY busy day full of going to church, coming home, feeding my hungry face with food-correction feeding my face with food to satisfy my hungry belly-and then meeting friends to go to Hillsong NYC (HOLLLAA) and then consequently eat more food afterwards. But it's gonna be Mexican and chips are involved, so it's such a rewarding experience. I'm totes gonna need some of that Jesus rest, Lord have mercy. Why am I even awake right now? Oh yeah. But why don't I just sleep for a wee 2 hours? Because I know I will feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a mug. Coffee... ok, focus. But I may pass out soon. I could always just not go to the gym...we'll see. I don't have access to coffee until 8:30am, so I mayyy fall asleep in the gym, or angrily yell at people. Maybe I should sleep and then hide my face until church. I can wear one of those super cool ski mask things where it looks like I'm a villian. Ok, this is getting really really weird, really really fast. I choose sleep. Bye.

Fashion Illustration Dreams

Oh the beauty of fashion illustrations. Seeing something pretty, igniting an idea, and fueling the flame by capturing its essence on paper. Thin lines sketching a figure, sleek brush strokes grazing the paper, and subtle ink lines pulling everything together. This is my future and Dallas Shaw is the reason I want to be a fashion illustrator- her illustrations helped create that dream.

I can't wait to work. To have fun everyday, and be in a world inspired by art and fashion. Ever since I was a little girl, I always knew I wanted to be an artist, and here I am today; in NYC, attending my dream school of Pratt, and deeply in love with Jesus and his plan for me. He takes my dreams and gives them wings, and I'm so excited to see what's in store for me this coming year. Don't give up on your dreams. Instead, give them to Jesus and he will give them wings and let them take flight.

Timeless

You know those perfect picture moments when a scene is absolutely flawless? It's still, and you can't break the silence. You don't want to move because you are in such a deep awe of its beauty. The person poses at the elegant angle that composes a picture worth a thousand words, and you can't even see her lips moving. She doesn't need to speak. The creature that just appears to be so beautiful by it's elegance and sleek demeanor? I find a deep and ageless beauty in these very moments, where you can capture something, perceive it, recreate it. Replicating its essence so it makes people stop dead in their tracks in awe. Because you have done so, you have this moment forever. However, it is no longer a moment, but a forever. Something that's timeless, that will always be.

Overcome

My heart is heavy and the waves beckon me

To bring my burdens to the shore

Where they can become no more

And I can see what he has in store

Redemption has tore through the storms

So I can let go

Of the past

And take hold

Of the future

I don't have to hold on anymore

To the fear and lies that gripped me

He clothes me with a peace

That's surrounding and above the storm

By saying no to fear and yes to love

I've learned to overcome.

My Story: Troubled, Disordered, Depressed, but Now a New Creation and an Overcomer.

Below is a post that I wrote to Alyssa Bethke, and amazing blogger who impacted my life with her story, and gave me the courage to share mine as well.

Hi, my name is Emma and I'm a freshman at Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, New York. I love your blog, and read it because it uplifts me so much. I read your blog entitled Put Off. Put On. I posted a comment on that, but when I read this post, it reminded me more of the eating disorder of my past that I commented about on the other
post. I struggled with it for three long years, (which is crazy, because I absolutely love food,) and then after that, a season of anxiety my senior year in high school that lasted 6 long and terrifying months.
In eighth grade, I was in a Home Economics class where we learned about eating disorders. For some reason I had this thought in my mind that I had to be "that girl who struggled" in the video we watched, thinking I'd finally get attention that way. My teacher was talking about the amount of calories we should eat a day and how we should only limit ourselves to a cookie a day. I was nothing like what she described, ate so much (because I had a fast metabolism,) and was so hungry each day when I came home from school. I weighed 86 pounds, and thought I was fat because she told us we should only gain a pound per inch that we grew. I had grown  3 inches after 7th grade, and gained 6 pounds, which freaked me out. Between that weight gain was when my eating disorder began. Trying to stay at 93 pounds I counted calories, only ate 900 per day, exercised, and when my mom made tacos I ate one, still starving, and yelled at her about how I only wanted one when she asked, "are you sure you don't want more?" I always wrote down the calories on paper and once I left it in the bathroom, where my sister who is two years younger than myself saw it  and asked me why I did it. I lied, saying, "oh, I was just wondering." She's smart, and knew it wasn't just that. The fear of weight gain continued, especially when we got weighed once each year in the nurses office. I would skip breakfast that day, as well as each day, since I lost weight by only eating two meals a day, and no food two hours prior to going to bed. God forbid I ate last at 8pm, I'd be up until 10pm, shaking my legs or reading to stay awake until I was fully digested. When I realized I was 101 pounds in 9th grade, I continued to starve myself, scared of being over 100 pounds. Any increment of five pounds scared me. It was the summer before 11th grade that I gave my anorexia to Jesus. I prayed for him to help me overcome it and stop counting calories. Not starving myself but still counting calories turned into just counting calories to counting calories only some days, to finally not counting calories. I shared with my two best friends, Skylar and Lindsey, who are still the best to this day, although we are all at separate colleges, and have shared my story with friends when I recently met them at my new church, JHOP, here in NYC. It was so hard, but I can say I'm an overcomer. I can't believe I ever thought I was fat, or that my testimony wasn't "good enough," and wished for it to be something that moved people. Yes, at times I do still feel guilty about thinking being saved since I was 8 isn't a testimony in itself,  something that made me realize how blessed I was to have that original testimony by my incredibly wise friend, Vanessa. But, I know now that God uses our past to prepare us for our future and the greater impact we will have on others.
After my junior year in high school, I went through a stage of depression; the fear of college, leaving home, and missing my family really got to me. To the point where I actually longed for depression. Thinking about suicide crossed my mind, I'd randomly start crying while reading a book or drawing because anxiety was taking over my weary heart. Instead of giving my fear to Jesus, I decided to hold onto it myself and make it a bigger problem than it needed to be. I let the enemy in, let him win, and let his damage consume my life. I would wake up in fear and start crying at any given moment. I realized this the first few weeks of my senior year. Instead of this year being a year full of fun memories and joy, it was a time of terrible fear. Fear that paralyzed me, making me cry more tears than I ever knew I had. The only remedy to my madness was singing any Christian song that popped into my head, that reminded me of Jesus, and how he can conquer my fears. There were so many times where I felt like I was going literally insane, and needed to go to the hospital. There were countless times where I'd come downstairs to my amazing mom and be balling my eyes out, telling her how I didn't know what was wrong with me and I couldn't shake the fear. You could tell her heart was aching for me, and she'd explain to me how it was just hormones and I needed to take deep breaths and relax. That's when I started yoga, realizing it calmed me down so much.
Back to the tears. When I'd start tearing up in first period psychology, I'd go to the bathroom and stay there until my tears were dry. I'd think of my mom and instant tears would come. I'd text her because I didn't know what else to do. She'd say to just stay in the bathroom until I stopped crying. Crying. That was the problem, I'd just be a mess again in a few minutes, so I thought about moving class to the bathroom. Wait, that would be awkward and impossible. Back to class I'd go.
 In addition to the tears, I would think of my next class and be in a panic of work I had to do or homework, even if there was none. Little did I know that this fear I thought I had brought upon myself was all of God's amazing plan. It prepared me for when my dad poured his heart out to me on Saturday, November 10th, an hour and a half before I went to an Alex Goot concert with my best friend and her friend,  telling me so many things that angered me, because why did I have to be his emotional punching bag? Who was I to hold the knowledge that he had, the pain, the depression, and anxiety. It made my dad seem so weak, the father I thought was so strong and fearless. The man who loved watching thunderstorms outside in the downpour because they were "beautiful." But on the way to the concert I let my best friend know what was going on, and explained to her how I'd start crying and cover up the tears pouring down my face on the hour bus rides home, afraid to speak to my dad when he was the only parent home, fearful of him pouring his heart out to me again. I felt alone and afraid to tell her because of what I thought others would think of me.  I would certainly start sobbing and everyone would think I was a maniac. She reached out like I never knew a person could. She constantly prayed for me and loved me like Jesus. That's only a glimpse of the reasons I'm thankful for my best friend, Lindsey.
Another part of this year was a girls group at my Church, Chapter 6, named after Romans 6, the chapter of love. These girls are like family to me, and helped me SO much through this long journey. Chrissy, our leader, is amazing. She could go through a long, hot summer day at work and come and bring so much of the Holy Spirit just by a discussion that flowed into a powerful message that we all preached by feeding off each other's Jesus-ness. My dear friend Becca, who has struggled and struggles with so many things that I do, always knew me. We talk, texted, Facebooked, and just GOT each other. We lifted each other up in beauty and prayer for our futures because our present was and still is so similar. We knew that God placed us in each other's lives for such a time as this. To conquer, to overcome, and to continue to hope.
 Towards the end of my senior year, while deciding whether or not to attend Pratt, while struggling with the fact that I might not be able to go because my dad refused to let me go into debt and take out loans, and the divorce my parents were thinking about getting after my freshman year of college, (yes, a planned divorce,) all brought me to wits end. Although by that point Jesus let me overcome my anxiety though many prayers, music, church messages that felt directed to me exactly (one after a car-ride-long conversation with my mom about what my dad told me that saturday in november, and how scared and worried I was,) and especially the girls group, helped me through my decisions I had to make, my two ivy league art school rejection letters, and the disconnection I felt from healing by the father, God. At one point during Chapter 6, I asked for prayer for my dad and the tears fell hard. I started sobbing, broken to the core because of the impact all of the major "what ifs" and endless anxiety had on me. This showed me how much fear was controlling my life. The perfect life I wanted wasn't so perfect, as well as my parents' marriage. No matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't let go of the urge I had to keep my parents together. I needed to let go, and let Jesus take control.  I always prayed that they wouldn't divorce, and there were so many times where I didn't know what to pray, praying the father's will would be done because I honestly didn't know what I wanted anymore. It was then that our leader and my amazing friend, Chrissy, hugged me, because she understood me impeccably. She KNEW the pain I felt because she dealt with the same situation. She knew how hard it was, but she knew that no matter what happened, it was going to be for the better. She knew that God would RESTORE the years that the locust had eaten. The pain that I went through would be no more, and that I could be brave. This is my story, and my testimony that I am beginning to share with more people. So as I pour my heart out and the tears of those painful memories fall from my tired eyes, I want to thank you, Alyssa Bethke for impacting my life, for teaching me through your posts, and showing me that I can overcome, that I am beautiful, and I am not chained by depression, an eating disorder, or my circumstance. I am free, healed, and changed. Who would have known that behind my candid smiles and bubbly demeanor was a pain so deep that it could cut beliefs and truth like a knife? And forever I will tell my story to help change lives for Jesus because in him there is so much freedom, more than we could ever know. Fear has lost its grip on us.
 It just shows that behind a person's appearance is an entire world that you could never know unless you care enough to speak into someone's life and let them pour out their very own heart to you.