From Starfish to Pennies

Sometimes it's really hard. Hard to keep pushing forward and swimming in the ocean of a world when you feel like a mountain is sitting directly in front of you, rooted to the painful bind of a seaweed forest that cannot be moved. But then you see something greater in this madness-when it's quiet and no one is around, you can almost hear the lilting rush of  a quiet wind that reminds you of the very hope in the midst of what you are going through.  That your heart, prior to your present, used to be filled with a sensitivity and delicacy so deep  that it crushed you. Yet made you who you are today-brave, courageous, changing. Like pennies. Changing, always changing, yet being the change you wish to see in the world. Once that is manifested within you, you cannot and will not be moved. You will stand stronger than any mountain because you are full of strength, like a penny, that has been through so much, yet when dipped in the salty waters of the cool ocean, it shines with a beauty like never before.

And be changed. No pun intended.

Hope in the Hopelessness- Miracles Amok

Since so many are asking how I am/why I was in the hospital, here is a humorous version (because everything is so much funnier after you don't have scares from doctors that something is seriously wrong with you anymore,) of why I've been in the hospital/results/oh the antibiotics! So sit back, grab a snack (actually, depending on your tolerance to pain you might not want to do that-but if you do choose to have a snack while reading, don't say I didn't warn you!) and enjoy the calm yet humorous way God is able to and does give you hope and peace during and after the storm.
This past week and a half has been rough, but I'm going to be fine, so don't fret lovelies! I've been in an out of the hospital twice, 8 hours each time during yesterday and Monday, been stuck with two ivs and didn't even cry; (huge accomplishment for me since I had only been to the hospital once, no not when I was born, I was born at home, but that was a good guess! It was when I got a puncture wound and needed one stitch. I'll tell you that story if you ask me about it. It involves trees and who doesn't love trees?) experienced my first ever crazy-test filled-needley-queasy hospital visit in a different state when my parents were 2.5 hours away, been alarmed by doctors, waited for results longer than needed only because the hospital peeps either A: Forgot about me B: Thought it was fun to deprive me of food when I hadn't eaten all day and just wanted a hoagie or C: Made me deal with some heavily opinionated doctors (that's a stretch for being nice, so here I am, stretching,) placed in the pediatric section of the children's ER (ok, I know I'm 19, not 21, but why would you put me in a place full of screaming babies when I have to be there for eight hours with a needle in my arm that makes me feel like my head will explode?) Let's just change those choices to "ands" instead of "ors" because they all happened and there are many more hilarious things I could tell you about like taking a ride in a wheelchair with a nurse who kept telling me about roller coasters and TLC. And he looked like my grandpa- even better. Bless his soul.
Now don't get me wrong, I am forever thankful for doctors. God put them on the earth for a reason and to help stand in the gap between health and sickness. (Thank you God, cause you are the divine doctor.)But when the doctors see something's wrong and do tests that come back POSITIVE and NOTHING is there..wel that is just amazing, and beyond anything the doctors did/could do. And it isn't just "coincidence" that when my family and friends asked for people to pray that all of my test results came back clean. Nothing, nada, ok, I don't know any more foreign words for nothing. Let's make some up: naga, nacapeesh, ok I'm done. BUT that shows how much POWER there is in numbers. That when two or more are gathered there God also will be. If two or more ask it will be done by the father of heaven (zee Bible, google that line to find the actual verse, cause I'm a little busy right now.) Even though it has been really hard and I'm still in a lot of pain (my right dominant arm/hand is numb/burns/has no feeling/I can't use it, so they gave me an antibiotic, which makes me feel sick,) during all of this, I've realized that trusting in God and knowing he is in control of everything brings so much peace, even in the waiting and unknowing. There was never a point in my situation where I didn't have peace. Yeah, it was hard, the pain is, well, painful, but his promise and that very knowing that he can and will heal you is a more secure result than any that a doctor can give to you. When you cling to him desperately, entering into that place where your heart is fully engulfed in his presence and love for you, nothing, nothing, naga can steal your joy. Your peace. Your hope. And even when you're in a state of hopelessness, like I had been with my arm not working and pain throughout my body, God still gives hope. How crazy is that? I have been able to draw with my left hand since Thursday, and it's successful. I'm not trying to brag or draw attention to myself in any self-righteous way. I'm saying these things because you need to realize what a miraculous, hopeful, and incredible God there is, and he created you. YOU. And you too with the cool afro. Your afro is awesome, embrace it. You love puppies so much you almost feel like you're petting a puppy when you touch your best friend's awesome, patchouli smelling ponytail? That's a little creepier. You always sing at college and when you're walking everywhere? Ok, maybe you should just drop out and be on American Idol, become a hippie and travel the world with your guitar, touch lives, be nomadic. I mean come on already.  Someone said you can do anything you put your mind too? You have a mind, stick that on your dream Really though, don't drop out of college, school is cool, those words rhyme, and art school's artsy. The American Idol thing/hippie/travelpower thing is super awesome, so be my guest if it's for you!) All of those questions were not for specific people, most of them are actually about myself. Ok, all of them. Well, I don't have an afro but they're super fun to look at. But my point is that you should never do something because it's "socially acceptable" or "the social norm." God places dreams and desires in each of our hearts, and when you tell him those dreams, and sink into his arms of grace and love-no matter how much you are weeping, how much pain you are in, or how torn you are for what you should do next year- God blesses you completely when you follow him fully. He creates life change and awakens hearts. Yeah, a blessing is a burden, but I would rather be in this place of my life where I see other people's pain because I can relate to and love on people unconditionally then to live in ignorance of others' problems. There is so much more to life when you have empathy for people. When you have the chance to remind them they aren't alone and build people up with encouragement, that brings life. Not only to you, but to the weary hearted, the soul that needs saving. And believe me, you become so blessed from that. Not just because people become understanding and super sensitive/understanding around you and your situation, but because you get the opportunity to impact people, and there is no greater joy than that. Having hope and restoring it to the hopelessness.  That is powerful. Even though it's really hard, you're super emotional, don't feel well, or have ailments, God will restore the seconds, minutes, days, weeks and even years that the locust has eaten. He's doing that in my life right now, and he does give you the courage and bravery to have hope in the midst of any kind of strife; there is nothing better than that, in fact, that's what truly brings life.


If you ever need to talk about ANYTHING, I'm always here, just a click, key stroke, paint brush stroke, laugh, footstep...okay I think you get it.

Believe, Beloved

I just feel like God wants to restore all things that are lost; healing, feeling, vision, love, hope, care, faith. The enemy is trying to take those things away from us and we have the authority to cast those things out. In the name of Jesus we can declare that God is in charge, he's in control, the divine healer, and is wiping away EVERY pain we feel right now. He is taking them to the bottom of the ocean floor and filling us with a peace, a hope, a joy, HEALTH, favor, blessing, love, understanding, courage, and a mighty shield of faith. Don't give up no matter where you are, don't lose sight of your hopes and dreams because he knows them. He knows you. You, and he's holding you in the midst of everything you're going through. He's never going to let you go, he'll never give up on you. No matter what's going on and no matter how hard it gets, don't think that he has let you go. BELIEVE in a cure, in a hope, in a future. In fact, speak it over yourself, say, "I believe in MY cure, MY hope, MY future. " You are not alone, and he will never leave you or forsake you. He loves you unconditionally and wants you to believe and dream with him as he shows the plans he has for you, to PROSPER you, not to harm you. TO GIVE YOU A HOPE and A FUTURE(Jeremiah 29:11.)

Please Pray For His Favor

After SOOO much prophesying at my church, JHOP, here in NYC yesterday, God is just continuing to mold my heart anew. He's cleansing me and purifying me for what's to come next, and after praying and seeking him about the 3 weeks of missions training this summer, he's telling me I need to go. To sign up for the early bird special I need $1,175 by May 5th. If I don't sign up for the early amount, it will be $1300. This total amount includes three meals, living expenses, and the tuition for the training. Please pray with me as I pray that God will completely bless this dream in my heart, he will use me, and that he will PROVIDE COMPLETELY for me financially, spiritually, and emotionally to go to this missions training. It just so Happens that it's July 13-August 2nd this summer, just before I need to go back to Pratt for RA training (another dream he's brought into fruition). This program is going to prepare me so much to be on fire for Jesus and bring that back to Pratt next year. Also pray for my lifeguarding bosses to allow me to still work this summer and end even earlier than they thought I'd be ending. I know my future is in God's hands, I know this is the summer I was supposed to be working a lot to save money for an apartment for the future, but I also know that even when I think I have it all figured out, God knows where I'll be five years from now- he knows every step backwards and forewords, and he has my complete future in the palm of his hands. He holds me and is providing for me and I don't have to worry about anything, because my security is in Christ.

Washed Away

This morning I awoke in tears, wondering what was wrong, and then realizing that the fear I've been holding onto for so long, the fear of my heart breaking, has been taking up such a huge space in my own heart. My entire life I've wrestled with the fear of giving my heart away because of the way my parents marriage is, because of the hurt they've felt; the pain, the fear, the brokenness it's led to. I've realized I've given God my hopes and dreams, but I've never actually given him my full heart for that. Instead of guarding my heart, I've put my heart in a prison cell, and thrown away the key. Little did I know that even though I didn't know where that key was, God did. While washing my face he reminded me of his true love, the love he wants me to experience one day, and that I don't need to be afraid anymore.  I need to trust, and realize that he can take all of my shame, my weakness, and my pain, and wash it away to the ocean floor. So through this word he also put a song in my heart that I've begun to write. Here is the first and only part:

You heal more than the temporary
Even when my soul is wary
The throbbing heart of a needy life
There is peace in my strife

In your faithfulness I am found

You heal my broken heart
When life seems too hard
I cry and your love pours down
Down my face into a river of grace
Your strong hands lift  my heavy face and remind me

The space I've put between us
The walls dividing, they have become no more
Cause I am sure
They're washed away at the ocean floor
And your love is forevermore.

HE IS FAITHFUL

HOLY MOLY I AM IN SUCH AWE, INSPIRATION, AND BLESSINGNESS RIGHT NOW. Praise God for blessings and opportunities!! I just received a message from my friend Stephanie from YWAM (youth with a mission), a missions organization with campuses located in  areas all over the world, about this missions opportunity to learn and grow in your talents and gifts and then be prepared to go out and change your cities for 3 weeks in California this summer (july 13th-august 2nd). I just feel SO CALLED to do this and just so much more answering to my prayers lately about things I'm asking for from God to do and use in my life. HE HAS BEEN USING ME SO MUCH. It's $1175 if I sign up by May 5th, so please send the word out and pray for me as I continue to meditate on this and go where God is calling me to go. I've been praying lately for God to open doors for me and to use me in whatever way he chooses to create life change and spread Jesus, and he just keeps blessing me SO MUCH. How amazing is it that when you put your life fully in his hands, no matter what happens to you, the enemy can not steal that joy and the Lord BLESSES you because of your faithfulness and becomes faithful for that?? I am so thankful and just want to praise God with all of my life!!! Continue to pray with me, donate to this trip, and pray for YWAM, because they are on my heart so often lately, and God is really using them to create life change and impact college campuses. If you have any questions, feel free to ask AND SHARE WITH anyone who you think would be interested in this!!

Have a lovely amazing day!!

So Much Favor and Grace in the Midst of Hopelessness

Today I was at my amazing college library, here at Pratt, and just totally in awe. I love going there for inspiration. The architecture inspires me, not only of the building itself, but most especially the book shelves. The floors of each level are made of glass, the shelves are an old, rustic, dated yet fashionable wiry structure, and I find so much inspiration in the entire entity of books and glass. Let's just say I really love being in a giant, quiet building, breathing in the silence. Although I love NY SOOOO much- the noise, the bustle, the people- it's nice to get away and escape from the noise for a mere amount of valuable time. A niceness that allows you to think and be in a complete stillness, almost as if the world stops. 
So, let's actually get to the point of me writing this post, because I can talk about the beauty of Pratt for days. While I sat on my laptop( I didn't actually sit on it, I sat on a chair, surfing the web on my laptop. I also was not on a surf board), I just felt the Lord whisper in my ear the truth I knew about my heart, how I was feeling today, and his peace that can captivate anything going on- no matter how big or small- and what he was trying to show me due to my extreme dehydration today and the illness I felt from it:


Lord, you know the heart of a weary soul that feels like there is no end to this pain. The nail after nail of hopelessness rips through the flesh of a sovereign heart that lies desperately waiting for release, the kind that fills a soul from the bottom up and reminds it that there is such a thing as peace. The kind of peace that comes like a mighty river after a dry and desolate season of despair. I just feel so much love and understanding for those who are weak and hurting, especially who have been sick- now or for such a long while. No matter where you are in life, no matter what you're going through, remember that there is still hope. No matter what's happened to you or what will happen to you, everything happens for a reason, and God can use any situation in your life to impact people and create life change. He can give you hope in the hopelessness.