And it's sad. It's sad that the people who are "supposed" to be the most supportive people in your life look at you and judge you as if you committed this insane crime. And it's also sad because since we as Christians are "supposed" to be more like Jesus, viewing all sins the same- which actually makes it funny because my sin had nothing to do with anyone else (other than a man) and none of the people in the church were that man, so why should they judge or not "forgive" me? That isn't even there place.
I place quotations around the word "supposed" because people who don't follow Jesus sometimes think Christians follow this large rule book called the Bible and it makes them do things in order to get to heaven. The Bible is a basic instruction manual before leaving Earth, and you can call yourself a Christian and choose to follow the Bible because you love Jesus and want to live a life that's meant for touching lives and changing the world through him, OR you can just stick that label on your forehead and choose to ignore the instruction manual and live life the way you think it should be lived-by you putting the pieces together without God's help.
I'm not writing this to try to give you a lesson about Christianity, but to express my feelings towards a particular season of my life. Babies are blessings- don't get me wrong- no matter what happened to you or what you did before or after marriage to physically carry it or adopt it. But it's really hard for me to completely believe that this little girl I'm carrying is such an amazing blessing when I got pregnant out of wedlock.
Growing up in the church, I knew I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, and I knew that those were some of my biggest values all through high school, and yes, all through college. I've also grown up seeing other people in my school or the church get pregnant out of wedlock and catching myself judging them. Yes, I've done that too. And I've definitely repented because like everyone else, I'm nowhere near perfect. But I've never experienced a situation where I have gone up to a Christian I knew who got pregnant out of wedlock and said things that were judgmental, invasive and questioning their belief system.
That, unfortunately has happened to me. I've been judged in so many ways with people actually trying to have conversations with me about how "they thought I was waiting until marriage" and all of that lengthy speech that most non-believers see as what you're "supposed" to do as a Christian.
Sadly, some Christians also think it's required for you to not do any of those things in order to still call yourself a Christian. Suddenly, they forget about the large aspect of forgiveness. What makes that feeling of judgment hurt even worse is when people have no problem telling you what they thought your life was going to be about when they don't even know what you've been through, and what happened to you that started this chaotic cycle that consumed your life. And it's really sad that you have to climb out of the shell you've been hiding that part of your life in, that slowly breaks off by a small fraction of a piece each time you speak of it, to tell people what happened to you and then that judgement from that person suddenly vanishes, and suddenly it's ok that you're pregnant but you're not married. It might feel like the judgment has vanished from them, but it doesn't vanish as easily from your heart.
That hurts. Not only does it hurt that people you thought really cared about you could judge you so harshly, but it hurts even more when they realize they shouldn't be judging you anymore just because you told them what happened.
That's another thing you learn while growing up in the church. You learn to have grace for each other- no matter what people have done- and to love people unconditionally. You would think that when someone suddenly stops judging you it feels like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulder, but it doesn't. It just feels like one more person has added you to the list entitled Charity Case.
So hear me out. I love being pregnant, and I love that I am carrying a miracle. It's nothing like I ever planned it to be (is it ever?), but it's how God planned it to be. I never saw myself in this position, even at the end of college. I always pictured myself graduating college, having a steady job, meeting the man of my dreams, falling in love, getting married, and then having kids - in that order.
People also get this idea that I was corrupted in college and that's why I'm pregnant. People never corrupted me, but the enemy definitely tried to lead me down a path of lies and unworthiness. People were never the problem- things were never the problem. The problem was Satan, who's always trying to act like he has more power than God.
God might let me bend but he's not going to let me break. I may feel broken, but I have a God who can put all of those broken pieces back together and create something that was even more beautiful than before. He can completely break away my shell that I've used to hide away the pain.
It's hard for me to go to church every Sunday and truly believe that God is going to break every chain that I've felt weighed down by. I know that he can and that he will, but that doesn't mean that it's still hard for me to believe that or that I still struggle.
It's hard to listen to songs that are meant to strengthen you and make you feel whole again, yet you can barely get the words out to declare them over yourself because you're sobbing and you still feel broken from your past. Yes, you've forgiven people and yourself, but that doesn't mean you aren't still in pain. It especially doesn't mean that little things people say in front of you go in one ear and out the other because they have no idea what you've gone through. They don't know.
Yes, it's amazing to have a support system who cares so much about you and understand why you feel hurt and are fragile, but it's still hard when you feel alone because the people around you don't specifically relate to your particular situation.
Sometimes, when people don't know what happened, they tend to group you into this cluster called Single Moms. I literally hate that phrase, label, group, orgy-whatever you'd like to refer it to it as. Just because I'm single and a mom does not make me a "single mom." Do you hear people going around calling moms who are married "married moms"? No, you don't, because that would sound stupid. Well so does the term "single mom" to me, so don't ever call me that. Whether you're single or married, you are still are mother. Therefore, I am a "Mom" with a capital "M". You can call me Emma or Mom.
God's still working on my heart and my emotions. I'm even more emotional now than ever because I'm pregnant, but that still doesn't mean I'm not broken. Whenever I hear the song "Broken Vessels" by Hillsong, I always think of the verse that says, "All these pieces, broken and scattered in Mercy gathered, mended and whole. Empty handed, but not forsaken. I've been set free, I've been set free."
One day, I'm going to be able to sing out that verse in church without sobbing. One day I'm not going to have to think of the season of my life where that verse explained it all. One day I'm going to feel different while singing that because one day I'm going to feel my brokenness gathered by the mercy of Jesus and setting me free.
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